Adoption is an amazing journey...I'm saying that with full knowledge that I am simply at the beginning...still in China, half way through our "Gotcha Trip". But as I lay in bed sick, all I have to do is reflect on the journey so far and God has shown me a thing or two. First of all, I thought I had given up control two years ago, only to realize that I only gave up the first layer. The first one is the easy layer, the one that comes away quickly because it makes sense and you can rationalize it. This past year, through the adoption process God has brought me to my knees, literally and figuratively. The paperwork chase was just a shadow of things to come...waiting for your file to shuffle from one desk to another...the endless game of guessing when we would be traveling and where the finds would come from.
I feel like from day one God said, all you have to do is step out and I will do the rest....well that sounded great at the time...What a deal! right? Except that He was speaking literally...He was in control every single step...when I thought, Oh, great! Charles got a bonus, our car broke down. When I scrimped and saved so that I could meet the next deadline payment, something else happened. I would rush and stress over a notarized paper and it would get stuck on someone's desk. Every step of the way, God provided...His way. Every step of the way, He made me wait, taught me patience and told me to trust.
The most frustrating part? We are here, and He is still teaching me. Henry bonded instantly to Charles but as hard as I try, it is not coming easily with me. Never in a million years did I expect this to be so hard, to love someone with as selfless a love as I can muster, and for it not to be reciprocated.
I look at Henry and it's hard not to draw the link between him and us as Christians. God draws us to Himself, he "purchased" us with His blood, (sweat and tears) and we are still unsure about Him. He proves Himself over and over and at the end of the day there is still doubt and fear.
It has only been two weeks that Henry has been our son and I know that time will bring trust and bonding but I feel the sadness that God must feel on a much deeper level, when after years of being His daughter I still act that way. And all He can do is wait...and love, with his undying, never ending well of love.
I love this. I love that He brings me to the end of myself to reveal things that I wouldn't otherwise sit still long enough to consider or feel. I love it that when I look at Henry I see myself, a scared child who has no idea how blessed his future is in the hands of our God. I love it that He chose me to be His daughter in spite of my past, in spite of my rebellious nature. I love it that God chose me to be Henry's mother and Charles to be his father and that every step from now on may not be easy but we will be gripping on to the hem of His garment.
But I have trusted in your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. Psalm 13:5